Motherhood in Dance

When did you decide you wanted to be a mum, and how was that decision affected by your career as a ballet dancer? 

I always wanted to be a mum, but I kept putting it off. Guy and I decided we wanted to go for it in 2020, but as different repertoire came up, I was like maybe after this season because its meaningful to me and then we started rehearsing the next season and I was like oh this seems fun maybe after this? Then COVID hit. 

I think I was worried about taking the time off and whether I could come back. But across the ballet world COVID changed everyone’s ideas about taking time off and making a comeback. People realised it was possible. That gave me a huge confidence boost. I think we realised it was now or never, and we couldn’t put life off forever because you just don’t know what’s going to happen.  

At the time you were the only dancer at QB to become a mother and return to full time performing. Was it difficult not having someone to be guided by? 

Yes and no. I always knew I didn’t want to wait to start a family until I was done with my career, I didn’t want to leave it up to chance. Sometimes it was hard because there was no one I could share a mutual understanding or compare experiences with. But in a way it kind of worked that I didn’t have a pre-conceived model to fit in to as I could pave my own path. It was a big learning curve for both me and the company.  

Did you feel confident you would be able to return to dance? 

Yes. There were times when I was like woah! I don’t even know if I can be a normal person. Your body changes a lot, your whole life changes, your perspective shifts and you have this beautiful little baby to look after, and you don’t really want to leave them. I never truly doubted that I could return but watching the company perform I remember feeling it looked otherworldly and a little like something I was no longer part of. I was really enjoying motherhood, so it wasn’t a sad thing. I was like wow I can’t believe how amazing those people are. I felt a bit like a different species.  

But it is a bit like riding a bike again, once you start it’s like “oh yeah” I can do this. Luckily my body is supple, and the time off didn’t have too much effect on it. Starting back was overwhelming, but you just take it day by day. The body will know what to do and the mind gets the spark back. When I finished my rehab alone and joined my first class back the live piano started and everyone was moving together, I cried because it was so beautiful. We often just see class as the daily grind but when you take time off you appreciate how nice it is to be a part of an incredibly talented group of dancers with the same drive, moving to beautiful live music. It was a very touching moment that I’ll always remember. 

How did it feel to return to the stage? 

My first performance back was the triple bill Li’s Choice. It was a huge season, but I really wanted to do it. I’d performed both Natalie Weir’s We Who Are Left and Greg Horsman’s Glass Concerto before so felt it wouldn’t be such a huge shock to the system. Both my roles in those pieces were created on me so I felt like I didn’t have to try to be someone or something else. I didn’t want to put too much emphasis on “my first show back” because I didn’t want that pressure. But being out there, the light hitting you, getting response from the audience, it was very rewarding. 

You’re now expecting your second baby. Congratulations! Do you feel more confident about the journey this time? 

Yes and no. I know what to expect now and the hurdles I'll have to get over. One side of me is very relaxed and with a C-section there’s not much unknown other than if there’s a medical emergency so I feel better knowing what to expect and how to make it better this time.  

But because I am older now and it’s the second time around, I sometimes wonder if my body will cope the same. And dealing with two children is a new path I’ll discover. I’m not too concerned though and I haven’t put any deadlines on recovery or return to work yet. I will start some strengthening exercises sooner this time. Last time I didn’t do much until 5 months post-partum because I was in pain and fatigued, so I lost a lot of muscle. But now with a toddler I won’t be able to take that much rest time anyway and I want to be fit for him and myself. 

Has your experience as a mother has changed your approach to ballet and which roles you connect with?  

Absolutely, I’ve always been an empathetic and emotional dancer and audience member. If I hear a piece of music or story line that speaks to me, I have a natural reaction to that. After having my son… it’s hard to put into words but for example when I was performing Giselle's mother in the scene where Giselle dies I couldn’t not go all the way with the role. It was so intense imagining your kid or thinking that people do go through this you can’t help but feel it very deeply. Naturally I’ve found those kinds of moments speak to me on a different level.  

Your husband was also a professional ballet dancer. How would you feel if either of your children decided to follow in their parent's footsteps? 

If they really wanted it, I don’t think there’s any way I could stop them. I’ll support them no matter what they do. I do think Leo is… showing a bit of talent. It’s not something we necessarily want to prioritise, but we don’t want them to live life without music, musicality, physicality. They’ll do dance classes when they’re ready. If they really want it, no one can turn that light off. 

Ballerinas often speak about how difficult the decision to have a baby and return to dance can be when the career is so short. Did you feel this affected your decision? 

It definitely did factor in but at the end of the day I just wanted it (to be a mother) more. When we decided we wanted to try I’d already done a lot of roles and felt quite fulfilled with my career so it’s hard to know whether if I hadn’t done them, I would feel the same way, but I think I would. I did think about whether it would affect my career afterwards but ultimately being a mum was more important.  

Were there many other ballerina mums in English National Ballet? Did you feel inspired by or learn from their experiences? 

There were a few with older kids but no one going through the same thing at the same time, so I did feel a bit alone. Some of the dancers were influential in a bad way. They came back to performing very quickly and that gave me a false idea of how quick it should be. One dancer in the company was in class 1 week postpartum. If people want to do that, that’s fine but it can be hard not to compare yourself to others. We have to remember such a quick recovery is not necessarily normal and can put pressure on people. It took me 10 months to get back on stage and it was not easy, and I think that’s pretty normal.  

How confident were you that you would be able to return to dance and would want to? And what did the process look like? 

When I was pregnant, I was like after six weeks I’ll be back! Then once I had the baby… it changes your perspective completely. If I could go back and change my maternity leave, I would have made it a lot longer (Alison took six weeks before returning to the studio).  

The process was harder than I expected. Physically it didn’t feel too different to returning from an injury, but I think I went into it a bit naively. I was just thinking about myself physically and not factoring in having a baby that wants to be on you 24/7. More than the physical challenge it’s the identity shift and wrapping your head around your new life, everything is turned upside down. I went back and forth between wanting to stop and just be a mum. I think I did go through some Post Natal Depression. Before becoming a mum, I was so 100% committed to ballet, for so long it was my whole life, but I had to let go a bit, it was a huge shift. At one point I was like if I can’t give it (ballet) my 100% I don’t want to do it at all, but then you find a way. I don’t feel any worse for that either, I just had to accept it and find a new version of me.  

I returned to the stage in January with Queen of the Willis (Author aside: woah!!! this is a notoriously difficult role for ballerinas). It was a bit daunting, but a great story! 

This career is demanding at the best of times, but ENB is notorious for its mammoth roster of tours and performances. How did you manage that as a new mum? 

The ENB staff were very understanding. At that time I didn’t do all the roles I would have usually done and, in the studio, it was up to me how much I pushed. The last thing I did (before joining QB) was Swan Lake in-the-round and that was hard. The season itself is already so difficult but, as I was breastfeeding, I would pump several times during the show, and breastfeeding is very draining so by the end of the show I was much more drained physically than usual. Then going home and not sleeping because you have a baby waking up during the night, plus rehearsals all day.  

Did becoming a mother factor into your decision to move back to Australia and join QB?  

Yes definitely. Since I came in 2020, I wanted to join QB (Alison guested with the company in early 2020 for the 60th Anniversary gala. Unfortunately, the performances were cancelled due to COVID). I just loved it, the people, Australia, Brisbane, it’s amazing, I had such a great time. But thinking about raising Maia in Australia it’s so good for her to be here, in nature, having sun every day, going to the beach. We’ve done more in the last three months than we had in her whole life in the UK. You can’t even go to the park there because it's always wet! It’s nice to know were giving her the best upbringing we can.  

Your fiancé was also a professional ballet dancer. How would you feel if Maia decides to follow in her parent's footsteps? 

Laurent would absolutely rip the pointe shoes off her feet! But I think... nothing would have stopped me, and she has the same personality. If she wants to do something she’s going to do it. I’d guide her as best as I can. But it’s totally up to her.  

Many ballerinas speak about how difficult the decision to have a baby and return to dance can be when the career is so short. Did you feel your position as a principal dancer affected your decision? 

I don't think my position as a Principal Dancer affected my decision as I always wanted to be a mum, but I waited a little longer. As a lead dancer you always want to do every ballet, every role and get as many opportunities as possible. I also think everyone's circumstances are different. In my case I moved to a new country and joined a new company in my late twenties so that also impacted my decision to have my baby a little later. 

Were there any dancers who inspired you or who you spoke to about the journey of becoming a mother? 

When I joined the National Ballet of Cuba when I was 17, I was amazed how many dancers in the company were wonderful ballerinas and mothers. They were such a big influence and inspiration to me. I shared dressing rooms with them, we were roommates on tour. They always shared their journey of becoming a mother and it was amazing to see them having a wonderful career and raising a child at the same time.  

How confident were you that you would be able to return to dance and would want to? 

Yes, I was confident that I wanted to return to dance. It is hard and I find new challenges every day, but I always felt that I wanted to try and keep dancing.  

You continued performing until 16-weeks pregnant. How did you find those performances carrying your baby and knowing they would be the last for a while?  

I will treasure those performances forever. Carrying my baby and performing with my husband were incredibly special. I knew they would be the last for a while, but I was very excited and enjoying the pregnancy so much. 

You returned to the studio 5 months postpartum? Was this the time frame you were hoping for? What factored into this decision? 

I thought that I would be ready to return to the studio around 3 months postpartum but when Lucia was born everything changed and I wanted to stay with her and enjoy that special bond with my baby which is very important. During that time I was only conditioning my body slowly with Pilates and Strength Training and around 5 months I felt ready to come back to the studio.  

Can you talk me through how your return to dance has been so far?  

It has been challenging to return to dance. As dancers our bodies are our instrument, and ballet is physically very demanding. During pregnancy the body goes through a lot and to get back to the stage after having a baby is very hard. Mentally you have to be patient and kind to yourself.  

I've been working very intensely to get back into shape and at the same time I'm discovering a new world as a new mum which is wonderful and I'm loving so much.  

I'm so grateful for the support of our physio, Pilates, strength and conditioning staff at QB. They have been very supportive and key to my recovery. And the unconditional support of my family has been invaluable.  

Your husband Camilo was also a principal dancer, and you are both passionate about music and the arts. Is this something you’d like to instill in your daughter? How would you feel if Lucia decided to pursue a career in ballet?  

We are both artists, our daughter will grow up in an artistic environment and we definitely want her to appreciate and love any art form.  

If she decides to pursue a career in ballet, we will always support her. Most importantly we want her to follow her dreams and passion in anything she decides to do in life.